1    Fie, fie on all tired jades, on all mad masters, and
2    all foul ways! Was ever man so beaten? was ever
3    man so rayed? was ever man so weary? I am sent
4    before to make a fire, and they are coming after to
5    warm them. Now, were not I a little pot and soon
6    hot, my very lips might freeze to my teeth, my
7    tongue to the roof of my mouth, my heart in my
8    belly, ere I should come by a fire to thaw me: but
9    I, with blowing the fire, shall warm myself; for,
10   considering the weather, a taller man than I will
11   take cold. Holla, ho! Curtis.

12   Who is that calls so coldly?

13   A piece of ice: if thou doubt it, thou mayst slide
14   from my shoulder to my heel with no greater a run
15   but my head and my neck. A fire good Curtis.

16   Is my master and his wife coming, Grumio?

17   O, ay, Curtis, ay: and therefore fire, fire; cast
18   on no water.

19   Is she so hot a shrew as she's reported?

20   She was, good Curtis, before this frost: but, thou
21   knowest, winter tames man, woman and beast; for it
22   hath tamed my old master and my new mistress and
23   myself, fellow Curtis.

24   Away, you three-inch fool! I am no beast.

25   Am I but three inches? why, thy horn is a foot; and
26   so long am I at the least. But wilt thou make a
27   fire, or shall I complain on thee to our mistress,
28   whose hand, she being now at hand, thou shalt soon
29   feel, to thy cold comfort, for being slow in thy hot office?

30   I prithee, good Grumio, tell me, how goes the world?

31   A cold world, Curtis, in every office but thine; and
32   therefore fire: do thy duty, and have thy duty; for
33   my master and mistress are almost frozen to death.

34   There's fire ready; and therefore, good Grumio, the news.

35   Why, 'Jack, boy! ho! boy!' and as much news as
36   will thaw.

37   Come, you are so full of cony-catching!

38   Why, therefore fire; for I have caught extreme cold.
39   Where's the cook? is supper ready, the house
40   trimmed, rushes strewed, cobwebs swept; the
41   serving-men in their new fustian, their white
42   stockings, and every officer his wedding-garment on?
43   Be the jacks fair within, the jills fair without,
44   the carpets laid, and every thing in order?

45   All ready; and therefore, I pray thee, news.

46   First, know, my horse is tired; my master and
47   mistress fallen out.

48   How?

49   Out of their saddles into the dirt; and thereby
50   hangs a tale.

51   Let's ha't, good Grumio.

52   Lend thine ear.

53   Here.

54   There.

55   This is to feel a tale, not to hear a tale.

56   And therefore 'tis called a sensible tale: and this
57   cuff was but to knock at your ear, and beseech
58   listening. Now I begin: Imprimis, we came down a
59   foul hill, my master riding behind my mistress,--

60   Both of one horse?

61   What's that to thee?

62   Why, a horse.

63   Tell thou the tale: but hadst thou not crossed me,
64   thou shouldst have heard how her horse fell and she
65   under her horse; thou shouldst have heard in how
66   miry a place, how she was bemoiled, how he left her
67   with the horse upon her, how he beat me because
68   her horse stumbled, how she waded through the dirt
69   to pluck him off me, how he swore, how she prayed,
70   that never prayed before, how I cried, how the
71   horses ran away, how her bridle was burst, how I
72   lost my crupper, with many things of worthy memory,
73   which now shall die in oblivion and thou return
74   unexperienced to thy grave.

75   By this reckoning he is more shrew than she.

76   Ay; and that thou and the proudest of you all shall
77   find when he comes home. But what talk I of this?
78   Call forth Nathaniel, Joseph, Nicholas, Philip,
79   Walter, Sugarsop and the rest: let their heads be
80   sleekly combed their blue coats brushed and their
81   garters of an indifferent knit: let them curtsy
82   with their left legs and not presume to touch a hair
83   of my master's horse-tail till they kiss their
84   hands. Are they all ready?

85   They are.

86   Call them forth.

87   Do you hear, ho? you must meet my master to
88   countenance my mistress.

89   Why, she hath a face of her own.

90   Who knows not that?

91   Thou, it seems, that calls for company to
92   countenance her.

93   I call them forth to credit her.

94   Why, she comes to borrow nothing of them.

95   Welcome home, Grumio!

96   How now, Grumio!

97   What, Grumio!

98   Fellow Grumio!

99   How now, old lad?

100  Welcome, you;--how now, you;-- what, you;--fellow,
101  you;--and thus much for greeting. Now, my spruce
102  companions, is all ready, and all things neat?

103  All things is ready. How near is our master?

104  E'en at hand, alighted by this; and therefore be
105  not--Cock's passion, silence! I hear my master.

106  Where be these knaves? What, no man at door
107  To hold my stirrup nor to take my horse!
108  Where is Nathaniel, Gregory, Philip?

109  Here, here, sir; here, sir.

110  Here, sir! here, sir! here, sir! here, sir!
111  You logger-headed and unpolish'd grooms!
112  What, no attendance? no regard? no duty?
113  Where is the foolish knave I sent before?

114  Here, sir; as foolish as I was before.

115  You peasant swain! you whoreson malt-horse drudge!
116  Did I not bid thee meet me in the park,
117  And bring along these rascal knaves with thee?

118  Nathaniel's coat, sir, was not fully made,
119  And Gabriel's pumps were all unpink'd i' the heel;
120  There was no link to colour Peter's hat,
121  And Walter's dagger was not come from sheathing:
122  There were none fine but Adam, Ralph, and Gregory;
123  The rest were ragged, old, and beggarly;
124  Yet, as they are, here are they come to meet you.

125  Go, rascals, go, and fetch my supper in.
Exeunt Servants
Singing
126  Where is the life that late I led--
127  Where are those--Sit down, Kate, and welcome.--
128  Sound, sound, sound, sound!
Re-enter Servants with supper
129  Why, when, I say? Nay, good sweet Kate, be merry.
130  Off with my boots, you rogues! you villains, when?
Sings
131  It was the friar of orders grey,
132  As he forth walked on his way:--
133  Out, you rogue! you pluck my foot awry:
134  Take that, and mend the plucking off the other.
Strikes him
135  Be merry, Kate. Some water, here; what, ho!
136  Where's my spaniel Troilus? Sirrah, get you hence,
137  And bid my cousin Ferdinand come hither:
138  One, Kate, that you must kiss, and be acquainted with.
139  Where are my slippers? Shall I have some water?
Enter one with water
140  Come, Kate, and wash, and welcome heartily.
141  You whoreson villain! will you let it fall?

142  Patience, I pray you; 'twas a fault unwilling.

143  A whoreson beetle-headed, flap-ear'd knave!
144  Come, Kate, sit down; I know you have a stomach.
145  Will you give thanks, sweet Kate; or else shall I?
146  What's this? mutton?

147  Ay.

148  Who brought it?

149  I.

150  'Tis burnt; and so is all the meat.
151  What dogs are these! Where is the rascal cook?
152  How durst you, villains, bring it from the dresser,
153  And serve it thus to me that love it not?
154  Theretake it to you, trenchers, cups, and all;
Throws the meat, &c. about the stage
155  You heedless joltheads and unmanner'd slaves!
156  What, do you grumble? I'll be with you straight.

157  I pray you, husband, be not so disquiet:
158  The meat was well, if you were so contented.

159  I tell thee, Kate, 'twas burnt and dried away;
160  And I expressly am forbid to touch it,
161  For it engenders choler, planteth anger;
162  And better 'twere that both of us did fast,
163  Since, of ourselves, ourselves are choleric,
164  Than feed it with such over-roasted flesh.
165  Be patient; to-morrow 't shall be mended,
166  And, for this night, we'll fast for company:
167  Come, I will bring thee to thy bridal chamber.

168  Peter, didst ever see the like?

169  He kills her in her own humour.

170  Where is he?

171  In her chamber, making a sermon of continency to her;
172  And rails, and swears, and rates, that she, poor soul,
173  Knows not which way to stand, to look, to speak,
174  And sits as one new-risen from a dream.
175  Away, away! for he is coming hither.

176  Thus have I politicly begun my reign,
177  And 'tis my hope to end successfully.
178  My falcon now is sharp and passing empty;
179  And till she stoop she must not be full-gorged,
180  For then she never looks upon her lure.
181  Another way I have to man my haggard,
182  To make her come and know her keeper's call,
183  That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites
184  That bate and beat and will not be obedient.
185  She eat no meat to-day, nor none shall eat;
186  Last night she slept not, nor to-night she shall not;
187  As with the meat, some undeserved fault
188  I'll find about the making of the bed;
189  And here I'll fling the pillow, there the bolster,
190  This way the coverlet, another way the sheets:
191  Ay, and amid this hurly I intend
192  That all is done in reverend care of her;
193  And in conclusion she shall watch all night:
194  And if she chance to nod I'll rail and brawl
195  And with the clamour keep her still awake.
196  This is a way to kill a wife with kindness;
197  And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong humour.
198  He that knows better how to tame a shrew,
199  Now let him speak: 'tis charity to show.