1    Ned, prithee, come out of that fat room, and lend me
2    thy hand to laugh a little.

3    Where hast been, Hal?

4    With three or four loggerheads amongst three or four
5    score hogsheads. I have sounded the very
6    base-string of humility. Sirrah, I am sworn brother
7    to a leash of drawers; and can call them all by
8    their christen names, as Tom, Dick, and Francis.
9    They take it already upon their salvation, that
10   though I be but the prince of Wales, yet I am king
11   of courtesy; and tell me flatly I am no proud Jack,
12   like Falstaff, but a Corinthian, a lad of mettle, a
13   good boy, by the Lord, so they call me, and when I
14   am king of England, I shall command all the good
15   lads in Eastcheap. They call drinking deep, dyeing
16   scarlet; and when you breathe in your watering, they
17   cry 'hem!' and bid you play it off. To conclude, I
18   am so good a proficient in one quarter of an hour,
19   that I can drink with any tinker in his own language
20   during my life. I tell thee, Ned, thou hast lost
21   much honour, that thou wert not with me in this sweet
22   action. But, sweet Ned,--to sweeten which name of
23   Ned, I give thee this pennyworth of sugar, clapped
24   even now into my hand by an under-skinker, one that
25   never spake other English in his life than 'Eight
26   shillings and sixpence' and 'You are welcome,' with
27   this shrill addition, 'Anon, anon, sir! Score a pint
28   of bastard in the Half-Moon,' or so. But, Ned, to
29   drive away the time till Falstaff come, I prithee,
30   do thou stand in some by-room, while I question my
31   puny drawer to what end he gave me the sugar; and do
32   thou never leave calling 'Francis,' that his tale
33   to me may be nothing but 'Anon.' Step aside, and
34   I'll show thee a precedent.

35   Francis!

36   Thou art perfect.

37   Francis!

38   Anon, anon, sir. Look down into the Pomgarnet, Ralph.

39   Come hither, Francis.

40   My lord?

41   How long hast thou to serve, Francis?

42   Forsooth, five years, and as much as to--

Within
43    Francis!

44   Anon, anon, sir.

45   Five year! by'r lady, a long lease for the clinking
46   of pewter. But, Francis, darest thou be so valiant
47   as to play the coward with thy indenture and show it
48   a fair pair of heels and run from it?

49   O Lord, sir, I'll be sworn upon all the books in
50   England, I could find in my heart.

Within
51    Francis!

52   Anon, sir.

53   How old art thou, Francis?

54   Let me see--about Michaelmas next I shall be--

Within
55    Francis!

56   Anon, sir. Pray stay a little, my lord.

57   Nay, but hark you, Francis: for the sugar thou
58   gavest me,'twas a pennyworth, wast't not?

59   O Lord, I would it had been two!

60   I will give thee for it a thousand pound: ask me
61   when thou wilt, and thou shalt have it.

Within
62    Francis!

63   Anon, anon.

64   Anon, Francis? No, Francis; but to-morrow, Francis;
65   or, Francis, o' Thursday; or indeed, Francis, when
66   thou wilt. But, Francis!

67   My lord?

68   Wilt thou rob this leathern jerkin, crystal-button,
69   not-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter,
70   smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch,--

71   O Lord, sir, who do you mean?

72   Why, then, your brown bastard is your only drink;
73   for look you, Francis, your white canvas doublet
74   will sully: in Barbary, sir, it cannot come to so much.

75   What, sir?

Within
76    Francis!

77   Away, you rogue! dost thou not hear them call?

78   What, standest thou still, and hearest such a
79   calling? Look to the guests within.
Exit Francis
80   My lord, old Sir John, with half-a-dozen more, are
81   at the door: shall I let them in?

82   Let them alone awhile, and then open the door.
Exit Vintner
83   Poins!

84   Anon, anon, sir.

85   Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at
86   the door: shall we be merry?

87   As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark ye; what
88   cunning match have you made with this jest of the
89   drawer? come, what's the issue?

90   I am now of all humours that have showed themselves
91   humours since the old days of goodman Adam to the
92   pupil age of this present twelve o'clock at midnight.
Re-enter FRANCIS
93   What's o'clock, Francis?

94   Anon, anon, sir.

95   That ever this fellow should have fewer words than a
96   parrot, and yet the son of a woman! His industry is
97   upstairs and downstairs; his eloquence the parcel of
98   a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy's mind, the
99   Hotspur of the north; he that kills me some six or
100  seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his
101  hands, and says to his wife 'Fie upon this quiet
102  life! I want work.' 'O my sweet Harry,' says she,
103  'how many hast thou killed to-day?' 'Give my roan
104  horse a drench,' says he; and answers 'Some
105  fourteen,' an hour after; 'a trifle, a trifle.' I
106  prithee, call in Falstaff: I'll play Percy, and
107  that damned brawn shall play Dame Mortimer his
108  wife. 'Rivo!' says the drunkard. Call in ribs, call in tallow.

109  Welcome, Jack: where hast thou been?

110  A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too!
111  marry, and amen! Give me a cup of sack, boy. Ere I
112  lead this life long, I'll sew nether stocks and mend
113  them and foot them too. A plague of all cowards!
114  Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?

115  Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter?
116  pitiful-hearted Titan, that melted at the sweet tale
117  of the sun's! if thou didst, then behold that compound.

118  You rogue, here's lime in this sack too: there is
119  nothing but roguery to be found in villanous man:
120  yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime
121  in it. A villanous coward! Go thy ways, old Jack;
122  die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be
123  not forgot upon the face of the earth, then am I a
124  shotten herring. There live not three good men
125  unhanged in England; and one of them is fat and
126  grows old: God help the while! a bad world, I say.
127  I would I were a weaver; I could sing psalms or any
128  thing. A plague of all cowards, I say still.

129  How now, wool-sack! what mutter you?

130  A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy
131  kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy
132  subjects afore thee like a flock of wild-geese,
133  I'll never wear hair on my face more. You Prince of Wales!

134  Why, you whoreson round man, what's the matter?

135  Are not you a coward? answer me to that: and Poins there?

136  'Zounds, ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, by the
137  Lord, I'll stab thee.

138  I call thee coward! I'll see thee damned ere I call
139  thee coward: but I would give a thousand pound I
140  could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight
141  enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your
142  back: call you that backing of your friends? A
143  plague upon such backing! give me them that will
144  face me. Give me a cup of sack: I am a rogue, if I
145  drunk to-day.

146  O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou
147  drunkest last.

148  All's one for that.
He drinks
149  A plague of all cowards, still say I.

150  What's the matter?

151  What's the matter! there be four of us here have
152  ta'en a thousand pound this day morning.

153  Where is it, Jack? where is it?

154  Where is it! taken from us it is: a hundred upon
155  poor four of us.

156  What, a hundred, man?

157  I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a
158  dozen of them two hours together. I have 'scaped by
159  miracle. I am eight times thrust through the
160  doublet, four through the hose; my buckler cut
161  through and through; my sword hacked like a
162  hand-saw--ecce signum! I never dealt better since
163  I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all
164  cowards! Let them speak: if they speak more or
165  less than truth, they are villains and the sons of darkness.

166  Speak, sirs; how was it?

167  We four set upon some dozen--

168  Sixteen at least, my lord.

169  And bound them.

170  No, no, they were not bound.

171  You rogue, they were bound, every man of them; or I
172  am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.

173  As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us--

174  And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.

175  What, fought you with them all?

176  All! I know not what you call all; but if I fought
177  not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish: if
178  there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old
179  Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.

180  Pray God you have not murdered some of them.

181  Nay, that's past praying for: I have peppered two
182  of them; two I am sure I have paid, two rogues
183  in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell
184  thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou
185  knowest my old ward; here I lay and thus I bore my
186  point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me--

187  What, four? thou saidst but two even now.

188  Four, Hal; I told thee four.

189  Ay, ay, he said four.

190  These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at
191  me. I made me no more ado but took all their seven
192  points in my target, thus.

193  Seven? why, there were but four even now.

194  In buckram?

195  Ay, four, in buckram suits.

196  Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.

197  Prithee, let him alone; we shall have more anon.

198  Dost thou hear me, Hal?

199  Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.

200  Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine
201  in buckram that I told thee of--

202  So, two more already.

203  Their points being broken,--

204  Down fell their hose.

205  Began to give me ground: but I followed me close,
206  came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of
207  the eleven I paid.

208  O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of two!

209  But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten
210  knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive
211  at me; for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst
212  not see thy hand.

213  These lies are like their father that begets them;
214  gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou
215  clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou
216  whoreson, obscene, grease tallow-catch,--

217  What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth
218  the truth?

219  Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal
220  green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy
221  hand? come, tell us your reason: what sayest thou to this?

222  Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.

223  What, upon compulsion? 'Zounds, an I were at the
224  strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would
225  not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on
226  compulsion! If reasons were as plentiful as
227  blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon
228  compulsion, I.

229  I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine
230  coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker,
231  this huge hill of flesh,--

232  'Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried
233  neat's tongue, you bull's pizzle, you stock-fish! O
234  for breath to utter what is like thee! you
235  tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you vile
236  standing-tuck,--

237  Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again: and
238  when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons,
239  hear me speak but this.

240  Mark, Jack.

241  We two saw you four set on four and bound them, and
242  were masters of their wealth. Mark now, how a plain
243  tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you
244  four; and, with a word, out-faced you from your
245  prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here in
246  the house: and, Falstaff, you carried your guts
247  away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared
248  for mercy and still run and roared, as ever I heard
249  bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword
250  as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight!
251  What trick, what device, what starting-hole, canst
252  thou now find out to hide thee from this open and
253  apparent shame?

254  Come, let's hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?

255  By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye.
256  Why, hear you, my masters: was it for me to kill the
257  heir-apparent? should I turn upon the true prince?
258  why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but
259  beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true
260  prince. Instinct is a great matter; I was now a
261  coward on instinct. I shall think the better of
262  myself and thee during my life; I for a valiant
263  lion, and thou for a true prince. But, by the Lord,
264  lads, I am glad you have the money. Hostess, clap
265  to the doors: watch to-night, pray to-morrow.
266  Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles
267  of good fellowship come to you! What, shall we be
268  merry? shall we have a play extempore?

269  Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.

270  Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!

271  O Jesu, my lord the prince!

272  How now, my lady the hostess! what sayest thou to
273  me?

274  Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at
275  door would speak with you: he says he comes from
276  your father.

277  Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and
278  send him back again to my mother.

279  What manner of man is he?

280  An old man.

281  What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall
282  I give him his answer?

283  Prithee, do, Jack.

284  'Faith, and I'll send him packing.

285  Now, sirs: by'r lady, you fought fair; so did you,
286  Peto; so did you, Bardolph: you are lions too, you
287  ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true
288  prince; no, fie!

289  'Faith, I ran when I saw others run.

290  'Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff's
291  sword so hacked?

292  Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would
293  swear truth out of England but he would make you
294  believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.

295  Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to
296  make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments
297  with it and swear it was the blood of true men. I
298  did that I did not this seven year before, I blushed
299  to hear his monstrous devices.

300  O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years
301  ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since
302  thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and
303  sword on thy side, and yet thou rannest away: what
304  instinct hadst thou for it?

305  My lord, do you see these meteors? do you behold
306  these exhalations?

307  I do.

308  What think you they portend?

309  Hot livers and cold purses.

310  Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.

311  No, if rightly taken, halter.
Re-enter FALSTAFF
312  Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone.
313  How now, my sweet creature of bombast!
314  How long is't ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?

315  My own knee! when I was about thy years, Hal, I was
316  not an eagle's talon in the waist; I could have
317  crept into any alderman's thumb-ring: a plague of
318  sighing and grief! it blows a man up like a
319  bladder. There's villanous news abroad: here was
320  Sir John Bracy from your father; you must to the
321  court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the
322  north, Percy, and he of Wales, that gave Amamon the
323  bastinado and made Lucifer cuckold and swore the
324  devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh
325  hook--what a plague call you him?

326  O, Glendower.

327  Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer,
328  and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of
329  Scots, Douglas, that runs o' horseback up a hill
330  perpendicular,--

331  He that rides at high speed and with his pistol
332  kills a sparrow flying.

333  You have hit it.

334  So did he never the sparrow.

335  Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him; he will not run.

336  Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him so
337  for running!

338  O' horseback, ye cuckoo; but afoot he will not budge a foot.

339  Yes, Jack, upon instinct.

340  I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too,
341  and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more:
342  Worcester is stolen away to-night; thy father's
343  beard is turned white with the news: you may buy
344  land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.

345  Why, then, it is like, if there come a hot June and
346  this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads
347  as they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds.

348  By the mass, lad, thou sayest true; it is like we
349  shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal,
350  art not thou horrible afeard? thou being
351  heir-apparent, could the world pick thee out three
352  such enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that
353  spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art thou
354  not horribly afraid? doth not thy blood thrill at
355  it?

356  Not a whit, i' faith; I lack some of thy instinct.

357  Well, thou wert be horribly chid tomorrow when thou
358  comest to thy father: if thou love me, practise an answer.

359  Do thou stand for my father, and examine me upon the
360  particulars of my life.

361  Shall I? content: this chair shall be my state,
362  this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my crown.

363  Thy state is taken for a joined-stool, thy golden
364  sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich
365  crown for a pitiful bald crown!

366  Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee,
367  now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to
368  make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I have
369  wept; for I must speak in passion, and I will do it
370  in King Cambyses' vein.

371  Well, here is my leg.

372  And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.

373  O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i' faith!

374  Weep not, sweet queen; for trickling tears are vain.

375  O, the father, how he holds his countenance!

376  For God's sake, lords, convey my tristful queen;
377  For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.

378  O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry
379  players as ever I see!

380  Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.
381  Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy
382  time, but also how thou art accompanied: for though
383  the camomile, the more it is trodden on the faster
384  it grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted the
385  sooner it wears. That thou art my son, I have
386  partly thy mother's word, partly my own opinion,
387  but chiefly a villanous trick of thine eye and a
388  foolish-hanging of thy nether lip, that doth warrant
389  me. If then thou be son to me, here lies the point;
390  why, being son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall
391  the blessed sun of heaven prove a micher and eat
392  blackberries? a question not to be asked. Shall
393  the sun of England prove a thief and take purses? a
394  question to be asked. There is a thing, Harry,
395  which thou hast often heard of and it is known to
396  many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch,
397  as ancient writers do report, doth defile; so doth
398  the company thou keepest: for, Harry, now I do not
399  speak to thee in drink but in tears, not in
400  pleasure but in passion, not in words only, but in
401  woes also: and yet there is a virtuous man whom I
402  have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.

403  What manner of man, an it like your majesty?

404  A goodly portly man, i' faith, and a corpulent; of a
405  cheerful look, a pleasing eye and a most noble
406  carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or,
407  by'r lady, inclining to three score; and now I
408  remember me, his name is Falstaff: if that man
409  should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me; for, Harry,
410  I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be
411  known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then,
412  peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that
413  Falstaff: him keep with, the rest banish. And tell
414  me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast
415  thou been this month?

416  Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me,
417  and I'll play my father.

418  Depose me? if thou dost it half so gravely, so
419  majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by
420  the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter's hare.

421  Well, here I am set.

422  And here I stand: judge, my masters.

423  Now, Harry, whence come you?

424  My noble lord, from Eastcheap.

425  The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.

426  'Sblood, my lord, they are false: nay, I'll tickle
427  ye for a young prince, i' faith.

428  Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth ne'er look
429  on me. Thou art violently carried away from grace:
430  there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an
431  old fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why
432  dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that
433  bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel
434  of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed
435  cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with
436  the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that
437  grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in
438  years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and
439  drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a
440  capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft?
441  wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous,
442  but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?

443  I would your grace would take me with you: whom
444  means your grace?

445  That villanous abominable misleader of youth,
446  Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.

447  My lord, the man I know.

448  I know thou dost.

449  But to say I know more harm in him than in myself,
450  were to say more than I know. That he is old, the
451  more the pity, his white hairs do witness it; but
452  that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster,
453  that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault,
454  God help the wicked! if to be old and merry be a
455  sin, then many an old host that I know is damned: if
456  to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh's lean kine
457  are to be loved. No, my good lord; banish Peto,
458  banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack
459  Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff,
460  valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant,
461  being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff, banish not him
462  thy Harry's company, banish not him thy Harry's
463  company: banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.

464  I do, I will.
A knocking heard

465  O, my lord, my lord! the sheriff with a most
466  monstrous watch is at the door.

467  Out, ye rogue! Play out the play: I have much to
468  say in the behalf of that Falstaff.

469  O Jesu, my lord, my lord!

470  Heigh, heigh! the devil rides upon a fiddlestick:
471  what's the matter?

472  The sheriff and all the watch are at the door: they
473  are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?

474  Dost thou hear, Hal? never call a true piece of
475  gold a counterfeit: thou art essentially mad,
476  without seeming so.

477  And thou a natural coward, without instinct.

478  I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff,
479  so; if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart
480  as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up!
481  I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another.

482  Go, hide thee behind the arras: the rest walk up
483  above. Now, my masters, for a true face and good
484  conscience.

485  Both which I have had: but their date is out, and
486  therefore I'll hide me.

487  Call in the sheriff.
Exeunt all except PRINCE HENRY and PETO
Enter Sheriff and the Carrier
488  Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?

489  First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
490  Hath follow'd certain men unto this house.

491  What men?

492  One of them is well known, my gracious lord,
493  A gross fat man.

494  As fat as butter.

495  The man, I do assure you, is not here;
496  For I myself at this time have employ'd him.
497  And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee
498  That I will, by to-morrow dinner-time,
499  Send him to answer thee, or any man,
500  For any thing he shall be charged withal:
501  And so let me entreat you leave the house.

502  I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
503  Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.

504  It may be so: if he have robb'd these men,
505  He shall be answerable; and so farewell.

506  Good night, my noble lord.

507  I think it is good morrow, is it not?

508  Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o'clock.

509  This oily rascal is known as well as Paul's. Go,
510  call him forth.

511  Falstaff!--Fast asleep behind the arras, and
512  snorting like a horse.

513  Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search his pockets.
He searcheth his pockets, and findeth certain papers
514  What hast thou found?

515  Nothing but papers, my lord.

516  Let's see what they be: read them.

Reads
517   Item, A capon,. . 2s. 2d.
518  Item, Sauce,. . . 4d.
519  Item, Sack, two gallons, 5s. 8d.
520  Item, Anchovies and sack after supper, 2s. 6d.
521  Item, Bread, ob.

522  O monstrous! but one half-penny-worth of bread to
523  this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else,
524  keep close; we'll read it at more advantage: there
525  let him sleep till day. I'll to the court in the
526  morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place
527  shall be honourable. I'll procure this fat rogue a
528  charge of foot; and I know his death will be a
529  march of twelve-score. The money shall be paid
530  back again with advantage. Be with me betimes in
531  the morning; and so, good morrow, Peto.

532  Good morrow, good my lord.