1    Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
2    My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
3    Say that I linger'd with you at your shop
4    To see the making of her carcanet,
5    And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
6    But here's a villain that would face me down
7    He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
8    And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
9    And that I did deny my wife and house.
10   Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

11   Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
12   That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:
13   If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
14   Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

15   I think thou art an ass.

16   Marry, so it doth appear
17   By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
18   I should kick, being kick'd; and, being at that pass,
19   You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.

20   You're sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheer
21   May answer my good will and your good welcome here.

22   I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your
23   welcome dear.

24   O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
25   A table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.

26   Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

27   And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

28   Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

29   Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest:
30   But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
31   Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
32   But, soft! my door is lock'd. Go bid them let us in.

33   Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

Within
34    Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb,
35   idiot, patch!
36   Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.
37   Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st
38   for such store,
39   When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

40   What patch is made our porter? My master stays in
41   the street.

Within
42    Let him walk from whence he came, lest he
43   catch cold on's feet.

44   Who talks within there? ho, open the door!

Within
45    Right, sir; I'll tell you when, an you tell
46   me wherefore.

47   Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined to-day.

Within
48    Nor to-day here you must not; come again
49   when you may.

50   What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?

Within
51    The porter for this time, sir, and my name
52   is Dromio.

53   O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.
54   The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
55   If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,
56   Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy
57   name for an ass.

Within
58    What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those
59   at the gate?

60   Let my master in, Luce.

Within
61    Faith, no; he comes too late;
62   And so tell your master.

63   O Lord, I must laugh!
64   Have at you with a proverb--Shall I set in my staff?

Within
65    Have at you with another; that's--When?
66   can you tell?

Within
67    If thy name be call'd Luce--Luce, thou hast
68   answered him well.

69   Do you hear, you minion? you'll let us in, I hope?

Within
70    I thought to have asked you.

Within
71    And you said no.

72   So, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.

73   Thou baggage, let me in.

Within
74    Can you tell for whose sake?

75   Master, knock the door hard.

Within
76    Let him knock till it ache.

77   You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

Within
78    What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

Within
79    Who is that at the door that keeps all
80   this noise?

Within
81    By my troth, your town is troubled with
82   unruly boys.

83   Are you there, wife? you might have come before.

Within
84    Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door.

85   If you went in pain, master, this 'knave' would go sore.

86   Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would
87   fain have either.

88   In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.

89   They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.

90   There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

91   You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
92   Your cake there is warm within; you stand here in the cold:
93   It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.

94   Go fetch me something: I'll break ope the gate.

Within
95    Break any breaking here, and I'll break your
96   knave's pate.

97   A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind,
98   Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

Within
99    It seems thou want'st breaking: out upon
100  thee, hind!

101  Here's too much 'out upon thee!' I pray thee,
102  let me in.

Within
103   Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.

104  Well, I'll break in: go borrow me a crow.

105  A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
106  For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather;
107  If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.

108  Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

109  Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!
110  Herein you war against your reputation
111  And draw within the compass of suspect
112  The unviolated honour of your wife.
113  Once this,--your long experience of her wisdom,
114  Her sober virtue, years and modesty,
115  Plead on her part some cause to you unknown:
116  And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
117  Why at this time the doors are made against you.
118  Be ruled by me: depart in patience,
119  And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
120  And about evening come yourself alone
121  To know the reason of this strange restraint.
122  If by strong hand you offer to break in
123  Now in the stirring passage of the day,
124  A vulgar comment will be made of it,
125  And that supposed by the common rout
126  Against your yet ungalled estimation
127  That may with foul intrusion enter in
128  And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
129  For slander lives upon succession,
130  For ever housed where it gets possession.

131  You have prevailed: I will depart in quiet,
132  And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
133  I know a wench of excellent discourse,
134  Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle:
135  There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
136  My wife--but, I protest, without desert--
137  Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:
138  To her will we to dinner.
To Angelo
139  Get you home
140  And fetch the chain; by this I know 'tis made:
141  Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;
142  For there's the house: that chain will I bestow--
143  Be it for nothing but to spite my wife--
144  Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste.
145  Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
146  I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.

147  I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.

148  Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense.